(work in progress)

How do we change ourselves?

Most of us want to change, to improve ourselves in one way or another. We want to be healthier, smarter, more successfull, more friends, less pain. Sometimes when faced with difficult situations we find ourselves falling apart instead of pulling together. Or maybe its as simple as wanting to not be late to every event... late to our own funerals. The media wants us to change, to become thin and beautiful and rich. Nobody is perfect, but we all seek perfection.

Of course, I say most but not all. Some of us seem content with their current existence. They live with their imperfection and so in their own way have reached a peaceful state. Balance. I don't wish to address them now, however.

I imagine that we are all composed of three beings. Contemplating my own mind I see that there are many more than three, many voices and selves dancing inside of my head. But I wish to talk about three very important parts of the self. They are the outward-self, the sociopath, and the inward-self.

The outward-self is what others see when they look at me. They see the things I do, they hear the things I say. They read my writing. Based on this they construct their own mental image of me, my likes and dislikes, my motivations.

The inward-self is what I really think. I look at people, I judge them. I decide that the things they do are correct or mistakes. Whether they are pretty or ugly, intelligent or unintelligent. This is where my mental model of the world lives, where I objectify my world and decide how things really are or how they should be. My true emotions live here -- my happiness and hurt. Things which sometimes I don't care to share with those in my surroundings.

And then there is the sociopath. The sociopath manages the outward-self. When there is a slip of the tongue and I say something that I didn't want to be heard, that is the sociopath doing a poor job. The sociopath decides what is appropriate to share and what is not. Manipulation of situations, conversations, of people. Trying to control the outward-self so that the inward-self gets what is truely desired.